I had a couple more years with my dad before he passed away. Now I am able to say, I am one of luckiest girls in the world to have had a good dad.. to have met my dad. But when I was 13 and mourning the loss of the only man I ever loved, I wasn’t able to feel so grateful. I don’t want to tell you heroine killed my dad because you’ll think he was a bad man and a bad father and he wasn’t. He just went through life a little harder.
He lived hard and he loved hard. My dad used to tell me things like, “If any boys mess with you at school you tell me, and I’ll break their fucking legs.” So I never told him about anyone giving me any trouble, because I believed him. The last time I heard my dad’s voice was on the phone. He called to tell me he was waiting for me at my house because he had a present for me. It wasn’t even my birthday, in fact, his birthday just passed. His 33rd birthday. I told him I’d be home soon, but being a self absorbed teenager, I took my time eating dinner at my friend’s house next door. When I got home he was already gone. In my room was a pair of all white Adidas and brand new flip phone with a camera (which was a big deal then). I called continuously to thank him and apologize for missing him, but he didn’t answer.
My father died that night.
He was missing for 5 nights before I found out. The police found him dead in his car. That night that he left my house, he was going to a party. He wasn’t a regular heroine user. He used it in the past but he was sober now. Had a good job and picked me up every other weekend to stay at his house in the suburbs. So I believe he took a dosage he was used to in the past, which was more than he could handle.
Getting pulled out of school early and coming home to my mom with eyes full of tears, tell me my dad died, made February 9th, 2005, the worst day of my life. Sadness enveloped my body, my blood and my veins in a way that I never deemed possible. I can’t even remember how I didn’t die from hyperventilation. As a common coping mechanism, the next emotion which enveloped me was anger. First with myself. Why didn’t I come home right when he called. Why was I so selfish. Maybe his last thought of me was that I didn’t care to see him. And then my anger with him. How could he leave me. How could he gamble with drugs when his and my life were on the line. I am going to be unhappy forever now, I thought.
There is a certain pain point the body can handle. I overreached mine. I felt lost, lonely and helpless. From a straight A student my entire life, I became a failing student. I ditched school and started experimenting with alcohol and weed and became far too obsessed with the kinds of boys who quite frankly, didn’t deserve me.
I fell in love (what I thought love was at 14) with my first boyfriend in high school. For the first time in a while, I felt happy. I lost my virginity to him, and he broke up with me the next day. Leading me to believe, that was all he wanted me for. He ended up dating my best friend after that and they stayed together for 2 years. I have to admit, I got over this pain pretty quickly, because it was no comparison to my father leaving me. Still, it seemed clear to me that every man I encountered in my life, would disappoint, and abandon me. And yes, that leads to an abandonment issue I carried with every boyfriend I’ve had, until now, at the age of 26.
Depression for me, is a bit different than sadness. With sadness you cry and you release and you create a space for healing. Depression is a lot more like indifference. You stop caring. Your eyes are dry. You don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to feel better and you don’t want to get out of bed. That’s how I felt. In fact, life seemed so bland I was basically bored of dealing with it. I’d lie if I said I didn’t think about suicide. I had. Many times. But it ended there. With the thought. And the only reason being- my mom and my sisters. I might have stopped loving myself, but I didn’t stop loving them.
I may be sensitive and understanding, but I’ll end with this- If you want to attempt a suicide, no matter what you’ve gone through- you are the most selfish person in the world. And that’s how you’ll be remembered.