There is one desire that every human being has that is greater than anything else- above money, above success, above sex- and it’s freedom. A person can achieve everything they want in a life and yet, if they are shackled to rules which are impossible to stick to for life, they will begin to feel suffocated and miserable. That is the reason I feel so many relationships fail or end in infidelity. I’m not talking the monogamy rule. Monogamy is a practice and can certainly be successful for a lifetime, for a lot of people. I’m talking about every little rule that doesn’t even cross into sleeping with another person.
The rule that your partner can’t have friends with the opposite sex. Your partner can’t have any contact with their ex. Your partner can’t follow the opposite sex on social media. Your partner can’t talk to the opposite sex for more than 5 minutes. Your partner can’t so much as look at the opposite sex.
Now it’s important to state that I’m not implying there should be no boundaries in a relationship. But boundaries need to be compromises. Making up rules that only suit your need for security while not caring about your partners happiness, is selfish and not an act of love. So instead of saying “You can’t talk to that person because I don’t trust you”, (first of all, I will say you do have control in one thing and that is your decision to be with someone so if you don’t trust them, don’t be with them), instead say, “I’m a little uncomfortable with your relationship with this person because I don’t know if feelings are involved and I feel left out. I would be more comfortable if…..” (you tell me when you talk or hang out, you introduce me, you invite me to join you sometimes,, etc.)
At this point, if you are with a good person, they will 100% respect your wishes and do everything they can to make you feel secure. If your partner does not want to be transparent and hides things from you intentionally, then you need to speak with them about it or ultimately make the decision to not be with someone who is disrespectful and lacks the same values you hold up for the relationship. On the flip side, if they hide things from you because you don’t give them the safety to tell you things without you getting mad and constantly punishing them, you have to realize the barrier you created, and do your part to remove it.
Trust is an extremely desirable trait. Nobody wants to be with someone who is always expecting the worst from them. It is a lot easier for people to misbehave when it’s already expected of them. But treat your partner like they are the best, most trustworthy human being you have no doubt about, and they will want to live up to that standard.
There is one thing to note. Your partner is with you because they have the capacity to find attractiveness in the opposite sex. That does not change once they choose you. The only thing that changes, is the desire to BE in a relationship with anyone else. They may share a moment with someone. A conversation. A laugh. A meal. But they share an entire life with you. You get the history. You get the love. You get the loyalty. Loyalty is the thing that says, even with all of these options available to me with the FREEDOM to choose, I choose you. Every day. What more could you want from someone?
Remember this: You never want to be with someone because you are their only option. So be the person your partner wants to choose. Give your partner reasons to choose you over anyone else. Be yourself. Your true self. Not the angry jealous person you don’t like being. Let yourself be vulnerable enough to trust something that isn’t in your hands. Let go of control. Let your ego fall back. Be the person that if you got cheated on, everyone would say, “Wow. What an idiot to cheat on that.” And not, “Well I can understand why that happened.”